Sometimes, the shortest jokes are the best jokes.
There's a special art to making it funny and fit on a bumper sticker.
The following are attributed to Raymond Powers and others, via the Washington Post MENSA Invitational Readers are asked to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
George Carlin, sage of our times, has these pearls of wisdom for us.
These are quotes allegedly by medical professionals.
Squawks are problems noted by U. S. Air Force pilots and left for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some actual maintenance complaints logged by those Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
Legend: (P) = Problem (complaint); (S) = Solution (reply)
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(S) Evidence removed.
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud.
(S) Volume set to more believable level.
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200fpm descent.
(S) Cannot reproduce problems on ground.
(P) IFF inoperative.
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
(S) That's what they're there for.
(P) Number three engine missing.
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search.
(P) Aircraft handles funny.
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, “fly right,” and be serious.
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire.
(P) Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.
(S) Auto land not installed on this aircraft.
(P) #2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
(S) #2 propeller seepage normal #1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.
(P) Something loose in cockpit.
(S) Something tightened in cockpit.
(P) Dead bugs on windshield.
(S) Live bugs on order.
(P) Target Radar hums.
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words.
Many of these come from The Globe and Mail, 6 October 2007.
If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, you should be. Here's some of his gems.
One must take care to F-Bomb judiciously. Here are 11 historical cases when it was absolutely necessary.
11. “What the @#\$% do you mean we are sinking?” — Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912
10. “What the @#\$% was that?” — Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
9. “Where did all those @#\$%ing Indians come from?” — Custer,1877
8. “Any @#\$%ing idiot could understand that.” — Einstein, 1938
7. “It does so @#\$%ing look like her!” –Picasso, 1926
6. “How the @#\$% did you work that out?” — Pythagoras, 126 BC
5. “You want what on the @#\$%ing ceiling?” — Michelangelo, 1566
4. “Where the @#\$% am I?” — Amelia Earhart, 1937
3. “Scattered @#\$%ing showers, my ass!” — Noah, 4314 BC
2. “Aw c'mon. Who the @#\$% is going to find out?” — Bill Clinton, 1999
1. “Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @#\$%ing mad!” — Saddam Hussein, 2003
…And there ya Gogh.
1. You accidentally enter your hotmail password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have their e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.