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Funny Stories

A funny thing happened on the way….

EuroEnglish

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as “Euro-English”.

In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of the“k”. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f”. This will make words like “fotograf” 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent “e”s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away. By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru!

Frog Seeks Boat

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack.

So, he says, “Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation.”

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says “$300,000.”

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $300,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan.

She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, “Sure. I have this,” and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about a half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says: “There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $300,000. And he wants to use this as collateral.”

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what the heck is this?”

The bank manager looks back at her and says “It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone.”

Why I’m So Tired

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax buildup, poor blood or anything else I could think of.

But now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked!

Here's why:

  • The population of this country is 30 million.
  • 11 million are retired. That leaves 19 million to do the work.
  • There are 5.5 million in school, which leaves 13.5 million to do the work.
  • Of this there are 3 million employed by the federal government, leaving 10.5 million to do the work.!!
  • 1 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing the Taliban. Which leaves 9.5 million to do the work.
  • Take from the total the 7 million people who work for provincial and city governments And that leaves 2.5 million to do the work.
  • At any given time there are 476,000 people in hospitals, Leaving 2,024,000 to do the work.
  • Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons and 812,000 on Employment Insurance and Welfare. That leaves just two people to do the work.
  • You and me.

And there you are sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice, real nice….

Top 5 Reasons Why Treat-or-treating Is Better Than Sex

5) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. 4) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again. 3) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some. 2) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door. 1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBOURHOOD.

Canadian Penis Taxes

The only thing that Revenue Canada has not yet taxed is the penis. This is due to the fact that

  • 40% of the time, it is just hanging around unemployed,
  • 30% of the time, it's hard up,
  • 20% of the time, it's pissed off, and
  • 10% of the time, it's in the hole.

It also has two dependents, but they're both nuts.

Effective 1 January, 2008, penises will be taxed according to size. The brackets are:

  • 10“ - 12”: Luxury Tax
  • 8“ - 10”: Pole Tax
  • 5“ - 8”: Privilege Tax
  • 4“ - 5”: Nuisance Tax
  • Males exceeding 12“ must file under capital gains; those under 4” are eligible for a refund.
  • Please do not ask for an extension!

Issues still to be resolved:

  • Are there penalties for early withdrawal?
  • Do multiple partners count as a corporation?
  • Are condoms deductible as “work clothes”?

The Holy Land

A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. The mother-in-law dies. They go to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home but that it'll cost over $5000, whereas they can bury her in the Holy Land for only $150.

The guy says, “We'll ship her home.”

The undertaker asks, “Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here.”

The guy says, “Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I can't take the chance.”

Dearest Redneck Son

Dearest Redneck Son,

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your Dad read in the newspaper that almost all accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well, though. Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt,
Mom

P.S. I was going to enclose $25 but I already sealed the envelope.

Signs for Stupid People

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say “I'm Stupid.” That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, “Excuse me…oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign.”

It's like before my wife & I moved from Texas to California. Our house was full of boxes & there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over & says, “Hey, you moving?” “Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign.”

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass & this idiot on the dock goes, “Hey, y'all catch all them fish?” “Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign.”

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. “All right Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good…They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, & you tell us if it hurts when they bite you.” “Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it.”

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, & I swear he said, “Tire go flat?” I couldn't resist. I said, “Nope. I was driving around & those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign.”

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house & drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down & grabs the exhaust pipe, then goes, “Wow, that's hot!” See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

The Rude Parrot

A guy named David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.

For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavour at once to correct my behaviour. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness.”

David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot glanced back at the freezer and continued, “May I ask what the chicken did?”

A Bad Morning

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.

Tearfully, she explained, “It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.” Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, “Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.”

He continued, “Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer that made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it half of them hit the floor and broke.

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me Mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her!”

The Angel and the Christmas Tree

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip… but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?”

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

See Also

cpb/funny_stories.txt · Last modified: 2020.03.12 13:30 (external edit)